Perhaps you can relate to this recent family episode: my wife and I decided to celebrate Epiphany as a family, by having a special dinner and blessing our home. Epiphany marks the end of Christmas and the last great festival of the season: we celebrate the wise men and their visit to the infant Christ. It’s also the time when tradition dictates we take down the Christmas decorations.
So, eager parents that we are, we thought this would be a great chance to involve the children in an ancient tradition and bring the season to a happy conclusion. We combed through Pinterest to find dinner ideas, craft projects, and blessing liturgies. We shopped for almonds and puff pastry to make a king’s cake, pulled out the incense-burner to light up some frankincense and got the kids excited about our great feast.
Fast forward to Epiphany evening, and I find myself sitting in the basement taking a self-imposed time-out, asking God why I ever had the bright idea of celebrating this dumb festival. I’m stressed out, the kids aren’t interested, and the hope of a blessed Epiphany is slipping through my fingers.
That whole episode highlights for me what sharing the faith with our children entails: gritty determination in the face of many disappointments. So why do it? Why put in the effort, when we already have children’s ministries at church who teach it for us? I think we are called to do it for the same reasons we are called to help our children with their schoolwork: because parents’ active encouragement is vital to their success.
Most schoolteachers will tell you that one of the best predictors of a child’s school performance, is how active her parents are in encouraging her education. Do they read with her? Do they tell her that education is important? Do they take an active interest in her school performance? Do they help with homework, and engage their child when she has questions about the school or life? Children whose parents can answer yes to these questions, tend to do better in their studies and in life.
This is even more true in the life of faith. While our culture at large still values education, it no longer does the same for faith. Fewer encouragements arise to encourage a child to walk in the way of the Lord, than once did. That means that the role of Church and parents is becoming even more important as time goes on: if we aren’t carrying the torch, no one else will.
Statistics bear this out. In her provocative book Almost Christian, Kenda Creasy Dean notes that “research is nearly unanimous on this point: parents matter most in shaping the religious lives of their children…” but she also notes how rarely faith formation is happening in American homes. The result is that children are growing into adulthood without their faith maturing with them. She and other researchers note that modelling in Church and home are pivotal to making faith take root in the lives of children, and giving them the support they need to live into an adult faith. Children’s faith depends less on what they are taught in class, and more on what they see in their interactions with family and Church members. How do they see their parents and members of their church live: in marriage, parenting, friendships and service for others? How do the people in their family and church talk about faith? How do those people weave spiritual disciplines into their lives together: things like bible study and prayer?
I read books like hers and I think of times like Epiphany night—where I wondered whether the extra effort was worth it. But then I remember that as she says, my kids are quietly noticing the importance Tabea and I place on faith. We may get frustrated at our attempts, but it says something to them when we stick with it in the face of our frustration: when my wife and I persevere in praying with and for them, when we make time to celebrate the church year, and when we think of ways to make faith seem more real to them.
So, for parents, does that mean everything depends on us getting it right? No. In the end, it is Christ who calls to us and it is up to every person to decide how to respond to His grace. None of us can choose this for our kids. But it does mean thinking seriously about how to live our lives in ways that make faith workable and attractive for our kids. Are we working on a routine of bible reading and praying with them, without stretching us beyond our capabilities? Are we initiating conversations with them, and with our spouses about faith and what it means? Do they see us leaning on our faith when times are bad, and giving God the glory when times are good? These are the things which provide an environment for faith to take root and grow.
Our Epiphany night turned out well in the end. I got over my frustration, and owned up to setting my sights too high. My wife convinced me to just enjoy what was working and drop what wasn’t. We ate supper. We then gathered in the living room to read the story of the wise men from the children’s bible, we walked through our house while the kids took turns spraying holy water around and giggling, and the oldest drew 20 C+M+B 16 on the door to remind us of the magi’s visit. And we kissed them good night and tucked them in. Weeks later, the kids are still talking about it, and were excited enough to tell their friends how they spent their evening.
I don’t know what will work for you, but remember that it’s worth trying. Do what you can, and don’t get hung up by what you can’t do. Routines will vary from home to home, but what matters most is that you love Christ and want to live a life that honours him. As you do that, think of how to let your kids see your faith in action. Let Him capture your heart and let them see He has captured it. God will make a way to capture their hearts as well.
Peace and blessings.
Fr. Stephen+
Babylon Diaries 